Remember when we talked about you coming home with me to meet my family for the 4th? Yeah I know it was just an idea, and now it's all moot since we are no longer together, but I still think about that little conversation. Being here and wondering how things would have been if we hadn't broken up and you had come with me. What would my parents have thought? I would have been very doting which I am normally but especially with meal times here and you not eating meat would have caused me to go into over drive to make sure you had stuff to eat and were comfortable. Maybe my parents would not have liked that but I wouldn't have cared. I would have wanted to take care of my baby and would have, regardless of what they thought.
I'd have taken you around to my old stomping grounds and shown you where I used to live and work. You might have meet a few of my friends and hung out with them. I wonder if they would have liked you? They don't now since they have heard the gist of the relationship or mostly the breakup which was not fun, and since they only know my side they see the hurt you've caused and they aren't fans. I don't even want to be a fan anymore. I see and hear from telling the story that you are not the "one" for me, and that really you are immature and selfish and just not good girlfriend material. I think it was all just an experiment for you and now you feel nothing about the whole experience. You lied when you said you loved me and that you cared. You were really just using me for a sexual experience. I hate you for that and wish with all my heart that you hadn't used and played with my feelings like that. I want no part of you anymore since I know that you don't want me in your life. You have Danielle now so close that even as a friend you'd never want to hang out or make the drive to see me. Any hopes I had that maybe someday we could hang out and do stuff are dwindling. She is there and you can do those things with her, so whatever delusion I had that I might have a place in your life are gone. I am trying everyday to just let go and forget you completely. I've tried to start a conversation and initiate being friends and you have ignored me at every turn. You could've at least told me if you needed more time or if you had changed your mind and decided you don't want me in your life at all. Instead you're a coward and say nothing, ignoring all my attempts. YOU were the one who wanted to be friends, remember? I said I'd never been friends with an ex and wasn't sure my heart could take it, but for some reason I said I'd try. I guess I cared about you that much, or maybe I was just fooling myself that maybe we'd get back together? I dunno about that, maybe I thought you'd try too, but that was ridiculous. I do know I was and am a fool for continuing to try and reach out to you. Yes I want to but why? Because I wanna have sex? Cuz I do miss you and care and want to be a part of your life? Maybe, but if I'm the only one trying I'm wasting my time.
I'm sad that this trip has brought you into my mind and heart again. I need to figure out how to let go and truly forget you. I'm hoping that moving away will help but those prospects keep falling through and I need to have another plan, since you don't seem to want me in your life, I need to expunge you from mine. You aren't worth it, and maybe you never were and I had to have my heart broken to learn that lesson.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
A Letter/E-mail I Will Never Send
Hiya!
Man I wish I could pick your brain about an upcoming trip I'm going on. I am not sure I'm prepared enough for it or have the skills needed to confidently complete the trip. I know you have done a trip like this before and have the necessary equipment that I've been borrowing left, right and center. Part of me wishes that we were going on this kind of trip together, but that is never going to happen. It's too bad, I think we would have had fun. You could have taught me some of the skills that according to you I don't have and to a point I agree with you.
One of my interns and I have decided we are going to hike Mt. Marcy this weekend. We've arranged to leave work early on Saturday so we can get to our campsite before night falls. We'll camp and hike the next day, then camp again before heading home. Pretty sure once we get back down the mountain we won't want to drive for 3 1/2 hours but who knows? Maybe we'll be pumped and say why not? The plan is to camp on Sat and Sun nights and head home Monday morning, but we're flexible. I've always wanted to do a High Peak and why not the highest of them all? My intern is from Canada so she wants to do as much cool stuff as she can while she's in the States. We're excited about the trip but part of me feels the heavy weight of responsibility. I'm the older one and I"m from here so I feel the need to have all the plans and such. It isn't a big deal, cuz that's kinda who I am. I get the credit when things go right but also the blame if we fail and have a horrible trip. Hell that trip to Long Lake we took I researched and planned and did a lot of legwork before taking you, and I still felt nervous, partly because it was aside from the scuba trip the first getaway trip we took as a couple, but also cuz it was all my idea and if it failed I'd feel bad, and wonder if you'd hate me or think less of me.
I guess I've never really gone camping, truly camping out in the wilderness. Sure I camped on the Desert Ecology class back in '95 but even then admittedly there was a real bathroom and shower nearby. Part of it was real camping, but yes for all intents and purposes I'm a tender foot and about to go on an overnight camping trip with someone equally as tender. I believe we have all the necessary equipment: tent, sleeping bags, flashlights, water and hopefully a camp stove we can cook on. So I think we'll be ok but I guess part of me just feels unprepared since I'm not totally sure if what we have is what we need. The people I've asked that also have done these trips say I'm good and that fills me with some confidence, but somehow I guess I'd just feel better going with someone who knows the area and has real experience with these kinds of climbs. Makes me miss you a bit again, though I've been pretty good about not thinking of you. Sure randomly you pop into my mind but it isn't the thoughts of longing and lost love, more idle curiosity and I wonder if you'll ever talk to me again. Pretty sure you blocked my number since my last few texts have gone unanswered and a couple asked questions that should have been answered even if it was "no." You said you wanted to be friends but you aren't acting very friendly. I wonder if that will ever change? Most of the time I can just let you go and try to forget, but times like this I wish I could still just text or call you and talk about stuff, or better yet do some of this stuff with you. Too bad you don't want me in your life.
So in a day or two I'm off on a great adventure, and will return with a story to tell. Hopefully, a good, funny and uneventful story and not something tragic and horrible.
Man I wish I could pick your brain about an upcoming trip I'm going on. I am not sure I'm prepared enough for it or have the skills needed to confidently complete the trip. I know you have done a trip like this before and have the necessary equipment that I've been borrowing left, right and center. Part of me wishes that we were going on this kind of trip together, but that is never going to happen. It's too bad, I think we would have had fun. You could have taught me some of the skills that according to you I don't have and to a point I agree with you.
One of my interns and I have decided we are going to hike Mt. Marcy this weekend. We've arranged to leave work early on Saturday so we can get to our campsite before night falls. We'll camp and hike the next day, then camp again before heading home. Pretty sure once we get back down the mountain we won't want to drive for 3 1/2 hours but who knows? Maybe we'll be pumped and say why not? The plan is to camp on Sat and Sun nights and head home Monday morning, but we're flexible. I've always wanted to do a High Peak and why not the highest of them all? My intern is from Canada so she wants to do as much cool stuff as she can while she's in the States. We're excited about the trip but part of me feels the heavy weight of responsibility. I'm the older one and I"m from here so I feel the need to have all the plans and such. It isn't a big deal, cuz that's kinda who I am. I get the credit when things go right but also the blame if we fail and have a horrible trip. Hell that trip to Long Lake we took I researched and planned and did a lot of legwork before taking you, and I still felt nervous, partly because it was aside from the scuba trip the first getaway trip we took as a couple, but also cuz it was all my idea and if it failed I'd feel bad, and wonder if you'd hate me or think less of me.
I guess I've never really gone camping, truly camping out in the wilderness. Sure I camped on the Desert Ecology class back in '95 but even then admittedly there was a real bathroom and shower nearby. Part of it was real camping, but yes for all intents and purposes I'm a tender foot and about to go on an overnight camping trip with someone equally as tender. I believe we have all the necessary equipment: tent, sleeping bags, flashlights, water and hopefully a camp stove we can cook on. So I think we'll be ok but I guess part of me just feels unprepared since I'm not totally sure if what we have is what we need. The people I've asked that also have done these trips say I'm good and that fills me with some confidence, but somehow I guess I'd just feel better going with someone who knows the area and has real experience with these kinds of climbs. Makes me miss you a bit again, though I've been pretty good about not thinking of you. Sure randomly you pop into my mind but it isn't the thoughts of longing and lost love, more idle curiosity and I wonder if you'll ever talk to me again. Pretty sure you blocked my number since my last few texts have gone unanswered and a couple asked questions that should have been answered even if it was "no." You said you wanted to be friends but you aren't acting very friendly. I wonder if that will ever change? Most of the time I can just let you go and try to forget, but times like this I wish I could still just text or call you and talk about stuff, or better yet do some of this stuff with you. Too bad you don't want me in your life.
So in a day or two I'm off on a great adventure, and will return with a story to tell. Hopefully, a good, funny and uneventful story and not something tragic and horrible.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Missing myself
I haven't been myself in weeks. Sure I still look the same, but inside I have been harboring secrets. The stress of these secrets is beginning to get to me. A select few know my secrets but that does not help much. The ones closest to me have no clue as that is my wish for now, but my guilt at not including them for my own privacy and pride is becoming a burden I'd rather not carry. I do wonder if they suspect anything as to why I have not been myself. Or even realize I am not being myself. If they do not then I suppose they do not know me as well as they think.
I could reveal my secrets of course. That over a month ago I began a journey that might change my world entirely. For the better of course, but nothing is certain as of yet. It was a hopeful beginning which in time turned into something more. I could tell of my secret trip to speak to those I hoped would change my life, but knowing those details would change my present for the worse which would be bad enough, but should this opportunity not pan out the way I hope, it would forever alter the way I'd be treated. Making a frustrating but tolerable situation into one I could not tolerate. The relationship with those I keep close out here is all that truly gets me through the days. I love what I do, but recent changes and realizations have caused me to seek greener pastures.
All that can be done has been so now I am stuck waiting. Waiting to hear of my fate. Shall I be delivered from my current situation or am I doomed to remain here? Weeks of waiting and remaining silent wear heavy on my soul. I want to know, hoping, praying that I will get my wish, but now as the days drag on and on I just want to know an answer, good or bad just to have the endless waiting over with. I jump every time my phone rings and dread getting my mail or opening my inbox. For I do not know how rejection letters are done these days with advanced technology and all. I hate this waiting game. I hate this whole situation. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to make this choice and up heave my life, but as much as change scares me at times my overall happiness ranks higher. So here's to hope, and patience and a little bit of luck that things go my way. I'd really like to be myself again and let go of a few secrets.
I could reveal my secrets of course. That over a month ago I began a journey that might change my world entirely. For the better of course, but nothing is certain as of yet. It was a hopeful beginning which in time turned into something more. I could tell of my secret trip to speak to those I hoped would change my life, but knowing those details would change my present for the worse which would be bad enough, but should this opportunity not pan out the way I hope, it would forever alter the way I'd be treated. Making a frustrating but tolerable situation into one I could not tolerate. The relationship with those I keep close out here is all that truly gets me through the days. I love what I do, but recent changes and realizations have caused me to seek greener pastures.
All that can be done has been so now I am stuck waiting. Waiting to hear of my fate. Shall I be delivered from my current situation or am I doomed to remain here? Weeks of waiting and remaining silent wear heavy on my soul. I want to know, hoping, praying that I will get my wish, but now as the days drag on and on I just want to know an answer, good or bad just to have the endless waiting over with. I jump every time my phone rings and dread getting my mail or opening my inbox. For I do not know how rejection letters are done these days with advanced technology and all. I hate this waiting game. I hate this whole situation. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to make this choice and up heave my life, but as much as change scares me at times my overall happiness ranks higher. So here's to hope, and patience and a little bit of luck that things go my way. I'd really like to be myself again and let go of a few secrets.
Monday, March 5, 2012
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