A Bit of a Downer (Updated)

Some of you may have already read this posting, for those who have and commented back to me via e-mail I thank you for your advice and support. The more I thought about this posting after initially typing it the more I wanted to sign on and change if not delete it. It's not that I regret posting it or fear a backlash should a coworker read it. Instead I just began feeling like it was a lil too whiny, and granted I have the right but those who know me know that I'm not big on whining. That and I didn't fully explain what I was feeling. I attribute that to being somewhat tipsy when typing. So I've edited, added, and changed this posting to be a better reflection of me while still venting my feelings on this topic. Yes for those of you who will say I'm doing this just to save some face after a drunk posting you're partially right too, happy? ;)

So today was my day off. My only one for the week since I've been working OT at the Zoo and as many hours as I can handle at my other job. Got some stuff done today that needed to be done which was good. Still lots more to do but I guess it'll have to wait until I get another free moment.

I had some actual fun today or rather tonight. A bunch of us Zoo people went out for a night on the town. Granted I was left out of the loop regarding plans since I was not at work today but I checked in and found out I was more than fashionably late, but I still made it to the party.

Tonight was fun, real fun in fact since I allowed myself to indulge with a few more drinks than usual. It's been a hard week so a little fun was in order. We all drank a bit and danced whilst bar hopping. Those who know me know that I do love to dance though I never claim to know how, but I get out there and move none-the-less. What bothered me that night was the perceived distance between my coworkers and myself. I saw it as having something to do with being openly gay. I'm sure some of you have been out with a group of friends drinking and dancing and have bumped and grinded on a friend just for fun. Maybe you haven't, if that's the case then stop reading this post cuz you won't understand. Not to say that there wasnt' grinding, there was but most of the time I had to initiate it. Again not a problem really but seeing others in the group all up on each other and not me made me wonder why that was so.

I know that not everyone in the world is ok with being around gay people. I've had my share of bad experiences with people who just can't let me live my life in peace because I'm gay. I suppose I had hoped that my coworkers wouldn't fall into that category, but if they aren't comfortable around me there's not much I can do. I've always wondered though when I compliment a friend/coworker what they read into it. It's always been something I've been cautious about around new friends until they get to know me and can tell that I'm just paying them a compliment and nothing more. If I say to someone, "that's a nice shirt on you" or "you have really pretty eyes" it doesn't translate to "I want you" or anything like that it's just a compliment. Everytime though I wonder about unintentionally offending someone. It's a sad fact of my reality.

Do they think I'll get the wrong impression if they dance with me? I wouldn't think anything of it at all just friends having some fun, but there are people out there that think because I'm gay that I'm attracted to any and all women. Are they attracted to all men cuz they're straight? Doubt it. They have a "type" that they like and prefer over others, so why is that idea not carried over? Just because I like women doesn't mean I don't have tastes and preferences. If they feel uncomfortable I suppose I can understand that, but it doesn't make me feel any less sad when they can bump and grind on just about anyone else but me. It's unfortunate that one aspect of my life might be creating this distance. To me it's a small part of who I am but to some it's much bigger. I won't deny or hide who I am for anyone, but it's not like I flaunt it either. I don't go around saying, "Hi! my name is ____ and I'm a lesbian and your name is?"

I'll not deny that I'm jealous of the comfort they all seem to have with each other. Truth be told I'm lonely. I'm hudreds of miles away from friends and family. I'm working a lot at 2 jobs out here so I've had little time to make friends outside of work so I guess I'm feeling threatened by this perceived distance. I say perceived cuz this could all just be in my head, and maybe I'm making too much outta this but it's bugging me and I gotta vent here. Maybe I'm trying to hard. I won't argue it. I would hope not but feeling so isolated out here I just might not realize how hard I might be trying. I'm pretty independent but it's nice to be part of a group too. To go out and have fun, but I guess I'm not feeling that currently and I'm scared. Yes I said it I'm scared. As much fun as my job is it's still a bit freaky to be so far removed from everything and everyone I know. Not being included in something as seemingly trivial as dancing is a bigger deal to me right now.

I dunno maybe I'm just frustrated at my dry spell or I guess at this point it's more of a drought. I need to look into finding a gay bar in town or if there isn't one in town then nearby where I won't have to worry about what messages I'm sending when dancing. The only person that was all up on my ass tonight was some guy which of course did nothing for me but I had some fun with it just because. I don't even think he was truly interested in me I think he was trying to get to a friend of mine but I was cock blocking him. heh heh ;)

Hell I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore. I'm rambling, even more than usual probably cuz I'm slightly intoxicated at the moment. Hurray drunk Blogging! Will I remember this in the morning? We'll see. The point is I was a lil bummed that my coworkers will dance all up on each other and not on me cuz I'm gay and that bums me out. Or at least that's how it seemed. I don't want to make unfounded accusations but that's how I saw it and it made me sad.

Kinda like family weddings. I hate those. I'm not allowed to bring a date unless it's a guy, so basically for all of them I've been solo. Regardless of whether I was dating someone at the time or not. It's just a crappy situation that I hate being stuck in, but it's either that or my parents disown me or something. It's a stupid double standard which I had hoped was just limited to family functions but as I saw tonight I guess not. The whole thing put a damper on my night. Bummer

Still a good time was had. As far as I know everyone got home safely and I'm guessing only a few of us will be less than chipper come the morning and the start of a new work day. I'll put myself in that category. Definitely a coffee morning tomorrow or technically today since it's now after midnight. It's always good to vent but it does suck to be reminded that no matter how well I fit in with my new coworkers I'm still very different in a way that might make them uncomfortable aroud me and that sucks a lil bit.