So aside from posting pix of poop I've not had much to say as of late. Not that things haven't happened worth blogging about, but I've lacked the time and ok motivation at times to sit down and spill out a few thoughts that are swimming around in my head.
Currently it's about 40 degrees and mostly clear. You can see the stars if you care to look up. A typical autumn night here in Central NY. One I might enjoy more if the seas of my head weren't so stormy. *yes apparently I'm doing a nautical theme*
I am currently adrift upon the Seas of Self Doubt. I have been for the better part of a week now. There's any number or reasons why I've been lost at sea, pick your favorite. It could be the changing of seasons and the decrease of sunlight that has put me into such a dark mood. Perhaps it has something to do with a recent Birthday that has left me moody and brooding. Maybe it has something to do with the alignment of the planets. Mercury might be in retrograde and that's why I'm bummin'. Whatever the reason I am low on moral.
What I'm buggin about has to do with work. I still enjoy what I do and I have no regrets about the decision to pick up and move half way across the country, but when stacked up against my coworkers I've begun to wonder if I even come close to ranking with them.
It doesn't help that most of them are 5+ years my junior, in fact that's part of the problem. The keepers that are my age have been working as keepers for almost 10 years so I feel like I'm not as qualified since I've not had the experiences they have. Those younger than I am will always have more experience than me since they got started before I did. Most of them have been to exotic places and done amazing things. Whereas I've done 1 internship, and was a seasonal keeper for almost a full season. I don't have the experiences they have so I feel unworthy. Sure I have a Masters degree but so freakin' what. It's not like it's being utilized at my current position. I'm upset at my life for not having the opportunities that others had. Yes I'm jealous of my coworkers, I freely admit that. Doesn't change the fact that I see myself as the weakest link and wonder if the Zoo would be better off w/o me.
I can't help the fact that the path I'm walking down did not lead to where I wanted it to when I wanted it to. At least I got here right?! Some never do. Hell I almost gave up on the whole Zoo thing and settled down with a Lab Tech job. The money would have been better but it wouldn't have made me as happy. The Fates had a reason for this but right now I can't see it. I'm too caught up with how I rate compared to my fellow keepers to appreciate my own struggle.
Other work related issues have done little to douse this fire in my brain. Sadly some have fueled the fires of self loathing. Those issues are more personal and I don't feel it appropriate to post them. Let's suffice it to say coworker conflict plays it's part in this tale.
All this adds up to me doubting myself with almost everything I do. I've always sought out attention, but now I seek validation that I deserve to be on staff with those I work with. My poor Ego has taken some serious beatings lately and the poor thing was small to begin with cuz I've never been real self confident. My Ego needs to be stroked a bit if I'm to turn a corner with this funk. Someone needs to throw me a lifeline or tow me to shore, for the Seas of Depression loom.
1 comment:
So i hope you are feeling a bit better since you got to be on TV. In the event you are not, it may make you feel better to know you are not alone. One of my x-co-workers just landed a full time job in a low level supervisor position at Columbian Park Zoo in Indiana. She has only 1 season at GF to her resume, and I could NEVER respect her as a leader. She is goofy and cannot make decisions to save her life. She has no confidence in herself and frankly if it had been nearly any other memeber of the team I would have been happy for them, jealous but happy. Since it was her it infuriates me that i have more experience and would be kick ass in that position and yet i'm not the one who gets hired b/c she somehow (frankly i don't know how) interviewed better than me, how do i know this b/c i was interviewed for the position too! So yes, currently i am working as a vet tech with a bunch of girls younger than me with no education and no culture and no desire to have either. And i'm aparently not ANY closer to having a good job than before i moved to st. louis. So i know misery loves company, so just know you at least have company in me.
My only advice: celebrate your accomplishments since you cannot change the past. Just remember that even though they may appear to be ahead everything happens for a reason. I think that my mother may have been put on this earth for 2 reasons: to be a good mom, and to help one very angry person realize he has been hurting a lot of people for a long time. Her current boss finally (after 50+ years) realized that he was hurting his employees, his business and his family with his temper and he is making a very considerable effort to change. He also went thru a lot of trouble to get my mom back after she quit (which was the catalyst for his change). So just hang in there and in the end you'll realize it all happens for a reason. I just have to remember this too.
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