Missing myself

I haven't been myself in weeks.  Sure I still look the same, but inside I have been harboring secrets. The stress of these secrets is beginning to get to me. A select few know my secrets but that does not help much. The ones closest to me have no clue as that is my wish for now, but my guilt at not including them for my own privacy and pride is becoming a burden I'd rather not carry.  I do wonder if they suspect anything as to why I have not been myself. Or even realize I am not being myself. If they do not then I suppose they do not know me as well as they think.

I could reveal my secrets of course. That over a month ago I began a journey that might change my world entirely. For the better of course, but nothing is certain as of yet. It was a hopeful beginning which in time turned into something more. I could tell of my secret trip to speak to those I hoped would change my life, but knowing those details would change my present for the worse which would be bad enough, but should this opportunity not pan out the way I hope, it would forever alter the way I'd be treated. Making a frustrating but tolerable situation into one I could not tolerate. The relationship with those I keep close out here is all that truly gets me through the days. I love what I do, but recent changes and realizations have caused me to seek greener pastures.

All that can be done has been so now I am stuck waiting. Waiting to hear of my fate. Shall I be delivered from my current situation or am I doomed to remain here?  Weeks of waiting and remaining silent wear heavy on my soul. I want to know, hoping, praying that I will get my wish, but now as the days drag on and on I just want to know an answer, good or bad just to have the endless waiting over with. I jump every time my phone rings and dread getting my mail or opening my inbox. For I do not know how rejection letters are done these days with advanced technology and all. I hate this waiting game. I hate this whole situation. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to make this choice and up heave my life, but as much as change scares me at times my overall happiness ranks higher. So here's to hope, and patience and a little bit of luck that things go my way. I'd really like to be myself again and let go of a few secrets.

If only....

Yoruichi and Soi Fon..........Broken.

To you, My Friend

I stood at my window and watched you drive away....Knowing it was the last time you'd be at my place. I miss you already and my heart aches at its loss. I've felt distracted and edgy ever since I watched you leave. My thoughts are scattered and my emotions conflicted. For once, tonight I am glad that I have to work, so for a few hours at least I can distract myself from thoughts of sadness and sorrow.

It was somewhat fitting that there was snow on the ground today. As if even the heavens above shared in my feelings of loss. They cried as I did but being cold outside their tears turned into snowflakes, blanketing the ground for all to see and to signify to the world that we mourn. My tears for you are mixed...Both of sorrow and of joy. I am sad to see you leave but also very happy that you are moving toward a new happier place. The overcast sky mirrors my melancholy mood and yet I can see the newly fallen snow as a sign of fresh starts and new beginnings. At this moment I feel like a tiny island in the middle of a vast and somewhat stormy sea. You were a neighboring island and together we formed a small chain that calmed the sea and diminished the loneliness, if only for awhile. Just knowing you were around even if we didn't see each other as much as we wanted... Just the thought of you being nearby was a comfort.

As you now begin the next chapter of your life I hope that you will look back on our adventures together with the same fondness as I do. Those moments we shared will live on forever and I know in the coming days I will remember them often and smile. For they were some of the best times of my life. From the day we first met I felt a connection to you. We are kindred spirits and I thank the fates for bringing you into my life.

They say people come into our lives for a reason and we are lead to those who will help us most to grow. I truly believe that in our case that is true. And now, as the miles between us grow, know that no matter how far away the winds of change may take us...You will always be with me, like a hand print on my heart. As sad and lonely as I feel at this moment...I know this is not the end but only the beginning. Safe travels my friend. I love you.