Missing myself

I haven't been myself in weeks.  Sure I still look the same, but inside I have been harboring secrets. The stress of these secrets is beginning to get to me. A select few know my secrets but that does not help much. The ones closest to me have no clue as that is my wish for now, but my guilt at not including them for my own privacy and pride is becoming a burden I'd rather not carry.  I do wonder if they suspect anything as to why I have not been myself. Or even realize I am not being myself. If they do not then I suppose they do not know me as well as they think.

I could reveal my secrets of course. That over a month ago I began a journey that might change my world entirely. For the better of course, but nothing is certain as of yet. It was a hopeful beginning which in time turned into something more. I could tell of my secret trip to speak to those I hoped would change my life, but knowing those details would change my present for the worse which would be bad enough, but should this opportunity not pan out the way I hope, it would forever alter the way I'd be treated. Making a frustrating but tolerable situation into one I could not tolerate. The relationship with those I keep close out here is all that truly gets me through the days. I love what I do, but recent changes and realizations have caused me to seek greener pastures.

All that can be done has been so now I am stuck waiting. Waiting to hear of my fate. Shall I be delivered from my current situation or am I doomed to remain here?  Weeks of waiting and remaining silent wear heavy on my soul. I want to know, hoping, praying that I will get my wish, but now as the days drag on and on I just want to know an answer, good or bad just to have the endless waiting over with. I jump every time my phone rings and dread getting my mail or opening my inbox. For I do not know how rejection letters are done these days with advanced technology and all. I hate this waiting game. I hate this whole situation. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have to make this choice and up heave my life, but as much as change scares me at times my overall happiness ranks higher. So here's to hope, and patience and a little bit of luck that things go my way. I'd really like to be myself again and let go of a few secrets.