A Letter/E-mail I Will Never Send

Hiya!

Man I wish I could pick your brain about an upcoming trip I'm going on. I am not sure I'm prepared enough for it or have the skills needed to confidently complete the trip. I know you have done a trip like this before and have the necessary equipment that I've been borrowing left, right and center.  Part of me wishes that we were going on this kind of trip together, but that is never going to happen. It's too bad, I think we would have had fun. You could have taught me some of the skills that according to you I don't have and to a point I agree with you.

One of my interns and I have decided we are going to hike Mt. Marcy this weekend. We've arranged to leave work early on Saturday so we can get to our campsite before night falls. We'll camp and hike the next day, then camp again before heading home. Pretty sure once we get back down the mountain we won't want to drive for 3 1/2 hours but who knows? Maybe we'll be pumped and say why not? The plan is to camp on Sat and Sun nights and head home Monday morning, but we're flexible. I've always wanted to do a High Peak and why not the highest of them all? My intern is from Canada so she wants to do as much cool stuff as she can while she's in the States. We're excited about the trip but part of me feels the heavy weight of responsibility. I'm the older one and I"m from here so I feel the need to have all the plans and such. It isn't a big deal, cuz that's kinda who I am. I get the credit when things go right but also the blame if we fail and have a horrible trip. Hell that trip to Long Lake we took I researched and planned and did a lot of legwork before taking you, and I still felt nervous, partly because it was aside from the scuba trip the first getaway trip we took as a couple, but also cuz it was all my idea and if it failed I'd feel bad, and wonder if you'd hate me or think less of me.

I guess I've never really gone camping, truly camping out in the wilderness. Sure I camped on the Desert Ecology class back in '95 but even then admittedly there was a real bathroom and shower nearby. Part of it was real camping, but yes for all intents and purposes I'm a tender foot and about to go on  an overnight camping trip with someone equally as tender. I believe we have all the necessary equipment: tent, sleeping bags, flashlights, water and hopefully a camp stove we can cook on. So I think we'll be ok but I guess part of me just feels unprepared since I'm not totally sure if what we have is what we need. The people I've asked that also have done these trips say I'm good and that fills me with some confidence, but somehow I guess I'd just feel better going with someone who knows the area and has real experience with these kinds of climbs. Makes me miss you a bit again, though I've been pretty good about not thinking of you. Sure randomly you pop into my mind but it isn't the thoughts of longing and lost love, more idle curiosity and I wonder if you'll ever talk to me again. Pretty sure you blocked my number since my last few texts have gone unanswered and a couple asked questions that should have been answered even if it was "no." You said you wanted to be friends but you aren't acting very friendly. I wonder if that will ever change? Most of the time I can just let you go and try to forget, but times like this I wish I could still just text or call you and talk about stuff, or better yet do some of this stuff with you. Too bad you don't want me in your life.

So in a day or two I'm off on a great adventure, and will return with a story to tell. Hopefully, a good, funny and uneventful story and not something tragic and horrible.